Something New ...

"Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure.  But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it.  Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer."  ~Shunryu Suzuki  

 Soon, for the first time in my life, I will have to find my own place to live. An apartment, a condo, a townhouse, what-have-you. This is huge. And hugely terrifying. I have never had to get my own place before. And the reason it's scary is because I have no transportation, so if I can't find a place near my job I will have a very difficult time getting to work. Frankly, I don't need this. I can't handle stress, and it's doubtful that I can handle responsibility in my current condition, and I fear that something is going to happen and I'm not going to make it to work one of these days, and everything is going to go to hell.
    Is there anything worse than change? Who says change is good? Change has never been good to me. Change has only taken from me the things I have valued most. Change has broken my heart. And made me fear for the lives of others. And left me friendless and alone. Change led me down a dark path that nearly ended with me taking my own life. Change is an incredible foe. An unfathomable destructive force in life. You can never predict what change will bring, but in my case it never seems to be anything desirable. I have learned to fear change, and to bitterly rue it.
    What, can it be supposed, are the odds that someday things will change for the better? Not just for me but for all of us. When will humanity catch a break? Does life ever get easier? They say that change is an opportunity to succeed and grow, and thus should be valued as a gift. But when we look back at what change has brought us in the past, what will we see when we again look ahead? The future is such a huge but invisible obstacle - we must get around or through it somehow, but it is impossible to know how to attack it, for it is intangible and unknown. Like an army of ghosts, clearly on the battlefield but in formation and post unseen, challenging the general to make his move.
    Change. Good or bad? To me, it is impossible to characterize, but easy to fear.

Something Old ...

"You have to know the past to be able to understand the present."

Dr. Carl Sagan 

    As the day drags by, and we are all wondering when it will end, and why we are stuck here, we tend to ignore things that should be more important. We tend to forget, and to forsake our history and our memories. It's a serious offense against yourself to live forever in the present and future. Why desert the past as if it is meaningless? Of course it is unwise and unproductive to dwell an the past, but is it productive at all not to learn from it and keep it alive in our minds?
   When I was a little boy, life could not have been simpler - I went to school, I came home. I played with my toys, I played with my friends. I have no complaints about my upbringing. But like anyone else, I had difficult experiences growing up. Who hasn't? The difference between me and many people is that I reject the 'water under the bridge' mentality because if you forget where you came from, what are you left with?  Naturally you know where you are right now, but that's the obvious answer. And the future hasn't happened yet - you don't know where you are headed to. So doesn't it stand to reason that you ought to remember where you've been?
   What I am struggling to say through this muddled string of reasoning is that remembering the past allows us to understand the present, and glean a vision of what is to come in the future. Case in point: I grew up doing very well in school, and the unfortunate result of setting the bar high is that people's expectations were therefore even higher. Because I displayed excellence, perfection was expected. Now certain people have been exceptions, of course, but for the greater part of my childhood I have faced pressure from nearly every adult I knew to excel consistently. And now, I almost obsessively reject these kinds of expectations, becoming angry even when someone mentions how 'talented' or 'intelligent' I am. Once again I think I'm losing focus ...
   What I mean is, I have learned from a past full of perfectionism that perfection is not only impossible, but undesirable. I don't want to be perfect. And I certainly don't want to be thought of as someone who never fails. The primary reason for this is that when I do fail (and I can say with complete honesty that I very often do), people are often very disappointed, and their perception of me is shattered.
   A former employer of mine regarded me, in our earliest acquaintance, as a very capable, intelligent, and versatile asset to his team. But as soon as I was unable to meet his high expectations, I was suddenly transformed into a shitbag, and a brainless fucking wonder. This attitude is of course unacceptable, and I will not tolerate being set up for ostracism by absolutism and misplaced confidence. I am not perfect. And when I do something well, that should not be taken as a guarantee that I will do everything well.
   The central thesis of this entry is that remembering the past, the old experiences that shaped and formed my young life, has been instrumental in my continued development as a human until this very day. I know now that it is not fair for people to expect perfection from me, and I know this because I remember where I came from. To say "It's in the past" is a foolish statement, because it has become part of your personality, spirituality, and mentality. It's in the present, influencing your every action, and it will be in the future, steering you toward mysterious destiny.

THE FIRST ONE!!!!!!!!!!

   So, this first blog will be tragically short simply because I haven't got the time to really get into it. But, for a brief introduction, it should suffice. My name is Joe, and as of today (October 27, 2010 in case you didn't know), I am twenty-three years old. I am currently in a suspended status from my job, as a result of a recent depressive breakdown. I'm undergoing treatment, and getting along well enough.
   But enough of the heavy!!! (Forgive my ShayCarl-esque enthusiasm ... it tends to rub off on us Rebellionites). Oh and if you didn't get the reference and you don't know who Shaycarl is, you should really look him up on Youtube. Maybe I'll include a link. And if you don't use Youtube, well then I don't have much to say to you. (laughing)
   Anyway the blog will get much more interesting (I PROMISE), but for today this will have to do. Just wanted to get it started with a nice, simple intro.
 Topics I'd like to discuss are of a pretty wide range, but several of the big ones will probably be depression, mental health, life, family, friendships, travel, FOOD, sex, love, and of course, my darling Youtube.
   I will try to post a new blog entry every ..... day? Two days? Let's say as often as I have things I want to talk about, meaning probably most days. Yes. Is that non-committal enough for you? Is committal a word?