Something Old ...

"You have to know the past to be able to understand the present."

Dr. Carl Sagan 

    As the day drags by, and we are all wondering when it will end, and why we are stuck here, we tend to ignore things that should be more important. We tend to forget, and to forsake our history and our memories. It's a serious offense against yourself to live forever in the present and future. Why desert the past as if it is meaningless? Of course it is unwise and unproductive to dwell an the past, but is it productive at all not to learn from it and keep it alive in our minds?
   When I was a little boy, life could not have been simpler - I went to school, I came home. I played with my toys, I played with my friends. I have no complaints about my upbringing. But like anyone else, I had difficult experiences growing up. Who hasn't? The difference between me and many people is that I reject the 'water under the bridge' mentality because if you forget where you came from, what are you left with?  Naturally you know where you are right now, but that's the obvious answer. And the future hasn't happened yet - you don't know where you are headed to. So doesn't it stand to reason that you ought to remember where you've been?
   What I am struggling to say through this muddled string of reasoning is that remembering the past allows us to understand the present, and glean a vision of what is to come in the future. Case in point: I grew up doing very well in school, and the unfortunate result of setting the bar high is that people's expectations were therefore even higher. Because I displayed excellence, perfection was expected. Now certain people have been exceptions, of course, but for the greater part of my childhood I have faced pressure from nearly every adult I knew to excel consistently. And now, I almost obsessively reject these kinds of expectations, becoming angry even when someone mentions how 'talented' or 'intelligent' I am. Once again I think I'm losing focus ...
   What I mean is, I have learned from a past full of perfectionism that perfection is not only impossible, but undesirable. I don't want to be perfect. And I certainly don't want to be thought of as someone who never fails. The primary reason for this is that when I do fail (and I can say with complete honesty that I very often do), people are often very disappointed, and their perception of me is shattered.
   A former employer of mine regarded me, in our earliest acquaintance, as a very capable, intelligent, and versatile asset to his team. But as soon as I was unable to meet his high expectations, I was suddenly transformed into a shitbag, and a brainless fucking wonder. This attitude is of course unacceptable, and I will not tolerate being set up for ostracism by absolutism and misplaced confidence. I am not perfect. And when I do something well, that should not be taken as a guarantee that I will do everything well.
   The central thesis of this entry is that remembering the past, the old experiences that shaped and formed my young life, has been instrumental in my continued development as a human until this very day. I know now that it is not fair for people to expect perfection from me, and I know this because I remember where I came from. To say "It's in the past" is a foolish statement, because it has become part of your personality, spirituality, and mentality. It's in the present, influencing your every action, and it will be in the future, steering you toward mysterious destiny.