Something New ...

"Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure.  But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it.  Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer."  ~Shunryu Suzuki  

 Soon, for the first time in my life, I will have to find my own place to live. An apartment, a condo, a townhouse, what-have-you. This is huge. And hugely terrifying. I have never had to get my own place before. And the reason it's scary is because I have no transportation, so if I can't find a place near my job I will have a very difficult time getting to work. Frankly, I don't need this. I can't handle stress, and it's doubtful that I can handle responsibility in my current condition, and I fear that something is going to happen and I'm not going to make it to work one of these days, and everything is going to go to hell.
    Is there anything worse than change? Who says change is good? Change has never been good to me. Change has only taken from me the things I have valued most. Change has broken my heart. And made me fear for the lives of others. And left me friendless and alone. Change led me down a dark path that nearly ended with me taking my own life. Change is an incredible foe. An unfathomable destructive force in life. You can never predict what change will bring, but in my case it never seems to be anything desirable. I have learned to fear change, and to bitterly rue it.
    What, can it be supposed, are the odds that someday things will change for the better? Not just for me but for all of us. When will humanity catch a break? Does life ever get easier? They say that change is an opportunity to succeed and grow, and thus should be valued as a gift. But when we look back at what change has brought us in the past, what will we see when we again look ahead? The future is such a huge but invisible obstacle - we must get around or through it somehow, but it is impossible to know how to attack it, for it is intangible and unknown. Like an army of ghosts, clearly on the battlefield but in formation and post unseen, challenging the general to make his move.
    Change. Good or bad? To me, it is impossible to characterize, but easy to fear.