Bad Day - and Another Girl

No quote today.

   I'm having a difficult time today, and I'll explain why. The first reason is that I have a headache that has been bothering me for about five hours. The second reason is that my depression symptoms are really getting to me today, and I feel like it would be awesome if I just lay down and went to sleep and never woke up.
   I work with a beautiful, funny, pleasant woman. She's really a lot more like me than any woman I've met in recent memory, and when I'm around her I don't feel as depressed, because I'm preoccupied with just watching her exist. Her voice is sweet and gentle, her sense of humor is excellent, and she is as playful as a child. She's wonderful. There is only one problem: she is happily married.
  I know that I can never have her, and that I should never entertain the thought of having her. And yet when she is near, my gaze is fixed on her. Today in the front seat of a crowded pickup truck, she sat immediately next to me. In this close proximity, I got a very clear sense of how perfectly sized she is - just the right height, and not a "Greek" figure but perfectly lovely nonetheless. I looked at her hands, perhaps long for a woman's hands but petite compared to mine. In this study I sat in content silence, enjoying being with her, in the small capacity that I was.
   I know I can never be more than a friend and co-worker, but is it wrong for me to admire her as I do? Is it immoral to look at her with the eyes of infatuation, and speak to her as if she were just another working stiff?
   What further complicates my predicament is that today at work there seemed, for a fraction of a second, to have been ... sexual tension? ... between us. We had been chatting a little as we worked, and a little joke about her posterior turned into an awkward moment, and unless I am mistaken, I thought I perceived a look of attraction in her eye for a brief instant.
   And so I am a mixture of sadness, annoyance, and suffering, because I like this woman very much but cannot even tell her so. On top of that there is another woman I know who I have begun to think of as a romantic object, whom I also cannot have. And, on top of that, there is as yet no sign of relief for the stress and depression I feel.
   My state of mind as I write this evening is tortured, and introspective, so I cannot write as I usually do. There is no seed of inspiration, no brilliant quote to set the theme, and no wisdom-seeking litany on topics human for me to offer you, my readers. I apologize for my woefully poor form in this installment, but ask for your understanding, as it has been a highly symptomatic day.
    What a beautiful sight is her delicate neck ...